I think today was the day. The day I tipped over into saying NO to everything that doesn’t bring me joy or drive me closer to fulfilling my goals and purpose.
NO to all this clutter stuff. NO to this extra forty pounds of fat. NO to feeling like crap before going out.
Getting ready for my five year anniversary dinner, I was sobbing in panic as usual, desperately trying to figure out what clothes would fit and feel fabulous on my two-sizes-bigger-than-my-healthy-size body.
I realised that ‘sobbing as usual’ was a very sad way to feel about getting ready for any lovely event. But the fact is that having to dress at all has felt like a nightmare this past few years, since my health crapped out and the forty pounds of extra weight crept on.
The habits and allergies are improving, but I’m still left with the extra fat content to deal with.
And I think today was the day.
As I sobbed through stuffing some clothes into a shelf, trying to find the one pair of stretchy shorts that I can fit into, I knew deep down that I’d had enough. I want to love and appreciate what I have, not just keep it cluttering up my life for some vague reason or another.
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt super awesome about my body while getting ready to go out – except for the period of time when I was corseting regularly and closely in touch with my body’s daily moods. But when I got sick that daily corseting had to pause, and I haven’t been able to get back into my corsets properly since.
The extra fat needs to go, and the natural healthy me needs to emerge.
Now this natural healthy me isn’t some fictional size I have only dreamed of, or was as a slim teenager. It’s the size I was up until a few years ago when the effects of trying to eat ‘normally’ and experience what I was supposedly ‘missing out on’ caught up with me and messed my body up.
For all the picky eaters out there; the small stomached and those without much of an appetite for big dinners… Just ignore the people that push you to eat more so they feel more comfortable. Eat what you damn well like, and in the portions and timings you like too. Because trying to fit in doesn’t work for everyone.
It destroyed my body’s balance and has affected my entire life as a result.
So yes, today is the day I saw screw this. Screw big dinners because that’s when everyone eats out, screw large portions just because that’s what’s served as a main, screw having to center most activities around meals or drinks or social crap when I’d rather be rock climbing or photo shooting or wakeboarding to socialise.
Screw trying to fit in, trying to have a fashion style that isn’t really me. Screw having more than 5 pieces of any given item. Do we really need more than 5 pairs of trousers? Blouses? T-shirts?
So that’s it. My foot is down, the clearing of my stuff has started and I’m ready for the journey ahead. I’m glad. Today was the day.